


After one litre of tears

by troublemaker (shoseilovemail)



Category: JO1 (Japan Band), Produce 101 (Japan TV)
Genre: Acceptance, Character Death, Fluff and Angst, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Major Illness, Moving On, mentions of other trainees
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:21:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23160874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shoseilovemail/pseuds/troublemaker
Summary: Reito and Shion meet after an accident that will change both of their lives completely.
Relationships: Kitagawa Reito/Tsurubo Shion
Kudos: 3





	After one litre of tears

**Author's Note:**

> Based on a prompt by @/alltakumi on Twitter & the drama "One litre of tears ". Ignore grammar & spelling mistakes. Enjoy!  
> -Kukki

It was a regular morning. Reito had woken up at 6, had breakfeast, packed his stuff for school and headed to the bus. He was a bit late though, so he had to run in order to catch the bus. There was an exam today and he couldn't afford to miss the bus.  
As he was running, a quick glance to his watch told him that the bus will leave in a minute. Luckily he just had to run around the courner, and he could already see the bus. 

He speeded up, he had nearly reached the bus when something unexpected happened. All out of a sudded, Reito couldn't control his leg anymore and fell. As he was recovering from the sudden shock, he heard the bus driving off. "Damm it... ", he cursed. He had studied for the exam very long and intensively, knowing that it'll determine his final grade in the subject. The school was around 3 kilometres away, so he could make it by walking. But his knee was hurting. He pulled up his pants to check on it and saw that it was already all red. It was hurting so much, he thought that he probably won't be able to even just stand up.

Luckily, fate was in his favor. A boy stopped in front of him with his bike. "What happened? Are you ok?", he asked. Reito recognised him. It was Tsurubo Shion from two years above him. A rough guy who was infamous at their school for always skipping class. He was smart, so he could afford it. But Reito couldn't.  
"Ugh, I don't really know what happened.. ", Reito said as he tried to sit up, but he had to heavily rely on his arm supporting him. "I was running to catch the bus, and suddenly, I don't know why, I just fell. Then the bus drove off.. "   
Reito's arm got weak and he was about to fall down again, but Shion reacted quickly and catched him.  
"Ah, I'm sorry to be a burden to you.. ", Reito sighed. "I injured my knee, and I don't think I can stand up properly, but I have an important exam today, and maybe you wanted to go to class too... "  
"No no, ", Shion interrupted him, "it's fine. I was planning to skip my exam anyways, but if you want.... I could bring you to school with my bike... " he said, staring into the air for some reason.  
Reitos face lightened up and he smiled. "That would be really nice! "  
So Shion helped him up and helped him sit with him on his bike, and started wheeling towards school.  
They were silent as they drove through the fields. The view was magnificient, and Reito loved to stare at it out of the bus window. From Shion's bike, the view was even more beautiful. He wished he could have taken his camera with him.

They arrived at school during second period, and Reito's exam was in third period, so they used the extra time and visited the medicine room. The school doctor wasn't present at that time, so Shion treated Reito's injury by himself.  
"You know, ", Shion said as he searched through the medical equipment, "my father wants me to become a doctor. So from child age on, I was tought the essentials of medicine. I learned them quite well, but I don't want to become a doctor. "  
"That sounds hard... ", Reito anwsered. He looked out of the room's window. "My parents always gave me freedom with what I want to become. They said that I can become anything I want, I just need to work hard for it. "  
"Do you know what you what to become already? "  
Shion turned around to Reito, holding the treatment for his wound. "Yes, ", Reito replied enthusiastically as he let his senior treat his wound. "I want to study photography and become a photographer! "  
"Woah, that sounds cool. I don't know what I want to become yet. "  
Reito smiled at him. "You'll surely find it out one day."  
As Shion finished treating the wound, the school bell rang. It was break now, and third period would start soon.  
Reito slowly tried to stand and stabilize himself. It worked. "Okay thank you Shion, I can walk to class by myself now. See you again! ", he said as he bowed and waved at Shion as he was about to leave the room. "Wait. ", Shion said suddenly, and Reito turned back to him.  
"You wanna be my friend? ", he asked.  
"Ah, yes of course! ", Reito replied with a smile.  
And Shion smiled back at him.

From that day on, they'd always meet during breaks and sit together during lunch. Reito sometimes brought his other friends along and Shion, being mostly avoided by people, was glad to meet some guys that wouldn't run away from him. He was know to be rough after all, but he was just bad at expressing himself. So seeing people just accept him without further ado made him really happy, though he couldn't really show it.  
Their days passed like this, and they were in their own frienship bubble, a bubble of happiness. A place where they seemed to be protected from all the evil in the world.

But that would soon be proved wrong.

It was during lunch again. Today Sushi was on the meal plan and Reito had just picked up one with his chopsticks when he suddenly dropped them. "Everything's okay? ", Shion asked. "Yeah, I just couldn't feel my hand for a second and dropped my chopsticks. Sorry. ", the questioned said as he picked up the chopsticks.

And since that day, similar things kept happening. First only here dropped stuff and there some stumblinh, but then the like kept happening more often. As Reito told it to his parents, they decided to go to the doctor.  
They did a few tests, and finally the doctor told them that their son was diagnosed with spinocerebellar degeneration, a rare, fatal disease where the cerebellum of the victim's brain would gradually degenerate to a point where the victim wouldn't be able to walk, write, speak or eat until it finally dies.

It was a big shock. Nobody knew how to react. The disease had no cure to it, so it was pretty much determined that Reito will die one day because of it. Netherless, though he himself was severly discouraged, his parents supported him. "That's natural ", Reito thought. His parents had always been supportive of him. But what he was worried about was his social circle. He didn't knew too many people, but they were all precious friends - especially Shion. They had been good friends since the day they've met, and though he was a little bit clumsy with being social, Shion had been looking out for Reito ever since, though he wouldn't admit to it.  
After Reito had been told about his disease, he had been laying in bed all day. He was thinking about his dreams, about his future, about when he'll die.

Finally, he decided to call Shion to tell him the truth.  
"Hey, what's up, can I do something for you? ", Shion said in a good mood.  
"Shion. ", Reito said with a bitter tone in his voice.  
"I have been diagnosed with spinocerebellar degeneration. I'll die sooner or later. "

"Huh? "

"I won't be able to make my dream come true, I won't be able to marry, I won't be able to fully love someone, I won't be able to become a photographer- "  
He was interrupted by himself crying.  
That crying broke Shion's heart. He wanted to comfort his friend, but how? He was paralysed. He was never good at this. Especially Reito, he's easily hurt and what if he'd hurt him even more-   
But then Shion realised something. Something very important that freed him from his paralysis. He canceled the call, grapped his stuff and quickly left. His mother asked him what he was on to as he passed by her on the way to the house door, but he just quickly replied that he wanted breathe some fresh air.

Shion had canceled the call. All out of a sudden, without a word he had left. "I'm a burden to him, ", Reito whispered to himself while still shedding tears, "he hates me now, I've lost him, I've lost my best friend and- "  
Suddenly he heard voices. It was his mom, and she was talking to someone- he recognised the voice. He was still realising it when the door opened.  
There stood a panting Shion, carrying a plate with cake pieces.  
Reito was still having tears streaming down his face, kneeling on his bed as he just stared at his friend. The overwhelming emotions made him unable to speak.

It was again such a situation. Reito was crying in front of him, and Shion was in that paralysed state again. But he reminded himself of what he had realised earlier, and the thought "Now or never " popped into his mind.

So he put the cake plate onto a desk next to him, went up to Reito and hugged him.

It was an impulsive reaction, so he wasn't sure how Reito would react, and it made him anxious. But the feeling of wanting to care for his friend and SHOWING IT was stronger. But he still had no clue on how to act further. What should I say, what should I do? Endless questions kept popping into his mind, until-

Until Reito burrowed his head in his shoulder. He continued crying though, but it was more like crying out his pain, in a healing way. "I don't want to be sick, I don't want to be sick, I don't want to die- " Shion still couldn't say anything, so he just started patting his friend's back.  
They remained like this for a few minutes. And then one sentence came into Shion's mind.

"Don't worry, I'll be by your side forever. "

.  
.  
.

The day after, Reito returned to school. His mood was still down. He knew he'd have to tell all his friends about his disease. Though Shion had reassured him that his friends would accept it since they are his friends, Reito still was unsure. What if they wouldn't? He couldn't stop thinking about it as he sat in the bus to school.

When he stepped into the classroom, his friends were already all there sitting in their usual corner. Yugo greeted him as usual, and they chatted a little bit. Reito saw that his friends were still the same. Keiya was as harsh as ever, Hiroto was still clinging onto Ryuji who still ignored him, Koshin still talked nonsense and Akihito still tried to keep them all together. So he gathered up his courage and interfered in their small talk. "Guys, I need to tell you something- "  
He was interrupted by the teacher coming in. The others quickly went back to their seats. "I'll tell you in break later ", Reito quickly shouted after them.

During class Reito couldn't concentrate at all. He kept thinking about what exactly to say, how the others would react. He also kept dropping his pencil. And picked it up again. To distract himself from his thoughts, he tried to focus on that. Up and down. Up and down. Up and down. Up and do-   
"Kitagawa! Stop trying to hypnotise yourself and pay attention! ", the teacher shouted. "This is important for the exam! "  
Indeed, they were writing an exam soon. The final one for this subject. But Reito couldn't bring himself to focus. He had always been struggeling with paying attention to things he didn't like, and in his current condition it was even harder. When he tried to take notes, he ended up writing only messy stuff as he couldn't control his hand properly. Here and there he felt the gazes from his classmates. They seemed to pierce through him. Were his friends also looking at him like that? Surely. And his mind went off to that topic again. It was anywhere but in class.

Suddenly he heard the school bell. It was break time. Class had passed in the blink of an eye, and the moment of truth had come. Their 3rd period was still in the same room, so Reito's friends gathered around him. "What did you want to tell us? ", Yugo asked.  
"About that... " Reito took a deep breath. There was no other moment than now.   
"I have been diagnosed with spinocerebellar degeneration. "  
"Excuse me what is that? ", Hiroto asked back.  
"Never heard of that. ", Keiya added.  
"It's basically ", Reito tried to explain, "cells of my brain are degenerating and its making me lose control over my body. "  
"So that's why you been behaving so weird recently ", Koshin concluded.  
"And what about it? " Ryuji put a hand on Reito's shoulder.  
"We're still you're friends, so why are you worrying? "  
Reito felt relieved. Thank god his friends were his friends after all.

At least that's what he thought back then.

As time passed by, with Reito's condition getting progressively worser, he became dependant on physical help more and more. He couldn't take notes, walk or carry a food tablet properly alone anymore. While his friends supported him at the beginning, they soon were faced with how exhausting this friendship would become for them. And that's where they drew the line. One after another they started leaving him. "Sorry ", they said, but that didn't fix their broken bonds.

Even Hiroto, Reito's younger brother, developed bad feelings towards him as he was constantly the attention focus of their family. He called him annoying, a burden, an attention-seeker. Seeing all his friends and even his own brother rejecting him made Reito break. It ate up his self-confidence. And even worse, it made him feel so lonely. Like he had to carry the burden of himself all alone. Who was there to listen to him? Who would understand him? Who would help him?  
No one. 

That's what Reito thought. 

But there was someone. Someone who had been standing behind him since they knew each other, someone who always catched him when he was about to fall. Someone who had taken him into his arms and just listened to his crying. Someone who truly, earnestly loved him.  
Shion.

But as soon as Reito's eyes would get clouded by tears again, he'd forget about everything, even about this. There was only the pain in front of him.

.  
.  
.

Reito would write an exam soon again, so Shion had come over to help him with studying. He slowly explained everything properly, knowing that his junior couldn't concentrate well. He kept asking questions, but Shion kept explaining again. But after a while, Reito laid his pen down.

"Shion, am I a burden to you? "

Spoken to violently shook his head. "No of course not-"  
Reito smiled bitterly. "You know, all my friends, even my brother, they call me a burden. You don't have to lie. "  
His voice was shaking.

"You don't have to lie for me- ", he said as he turned his head to face the wall.  
"I'm not lying. ", Shion countered. "Why would I? "

Reito turned back to face him. He had tears flowing down his face already, and his facial expression was full of despair and sadness.   
Just now Shion realised how much the younger one was broken. He had noticed how his friend had started to break, but he didn't realise, he didn't want to realise how far he had come already. Now seeing it in front if him was the cruelest. Being faced with the truth that he couldn't protect who he wanted to protect made him crack innerly. But what was stronger was deep inside him. He recalled that feeling inside him, he took Reito into his arms and stroked his back as the younger one just cried his worries off.

"Reito? ", Shion asked after they had seperated.  
" yes....? "  
Reito had calmed himself down but his voice was still shaky.  
"I have something I want to give to you. "  
Reito tilted his head in confusion as Shion reached around his own neck and took off the necklace he was wearing. Reito was even more surprised when Shion came close to him and put the necklace onto his neck. It made him feel flustered for a reason he couldn't pinpoint.  
"Thank you..", he couldn't come up with something else to say.  
"It's to remind you of me. So whenever you feel sad and lonely, it'll remind you that I'm there for you. "

Reito couldn't help but smile. He had known the whole time that he had someone ready to catch him, but why couldn't he realise it earlier? Anyways, he didn't care to much about that in this moment. The feeling of gratitude fully filled his mind.

.  
.  
.

A few weeks after this, Reito was unable to live by himself. He couldn't walk, write or hold anything, and he even to started to have difficulties while speaking as his voice just didn't obey him anymore.  
So he had to start living in the hospital.  
At first, the clean, white rooms were scary and uncomfortable for Reito. He felt like he was trapped in the building. As he couldn't walk, he was forced to lay in bed all day. It felt like he was just vegetating there all day. It was the worst. But whenever the tears poured out, he looked down at his necklace, he remembered Shion, and he remembered his family that was supporting him constantly. He didn't want to give up for the sake of these people.

So he started writing a diary. 

Every day, even if it was little to nothing, he wrote something. Even if it was hard, using a typewriter, with his will he was able to do it. He even put pictures into the diary he took with a polaroid camera his parents had given him. He had realised that he shouldn't complain about being alive and cherish it instead. Because his time was limited and could end every second, he had to live it to the fullest of his ability. So even when he couldn't go outside to photograph, he photographed walls, his bed, the window in his room. Though it was hard and not much, it was something. He dreamed about puplishing his work one day to tell the world that he wouldn't give up, no matter what. He'll fight for his family, his friend and himself. That was how he had concluded to live his left life.

Before this, shortly after Reito had started living in the hospital, Shion had made a descision himself. He was about to graduate, and though he had been always skipping classes, he tried his best in his last exams. He had decided to become a medical student in order to find a way to cure Reito's disease. He managed to get into the medical course at university. The study years were hard, but Shion gave his best, for the sake of Reito, and got his diploma as a doctor.  
After that he tried to accompany Reito in the hospital whenever he could while researching. There wasn't much to work with which made researching hard, but he could at least see Reito, and that was worth it. 

While seeing Reito's condition getting worse demotivated Shion, Reito himself had begun to accept it. He always smiled in front of his family, in front of Shion, he didn't want them to be sad about him as he had realised by himself that life is way to precious for that. People had to move on. And they shouldn't be bothered with him too much. He finally told his family that they shouldn't visit him anymore, for his and their sake. It was hard for him. He loved his family. Before they finally left, he asked them one more question.

"Mom, Dad, will you be sad when I'm not here anymore? "

His parents told him that of course they will, but Reito just smiled at them. He had already known the answer by himself, but he couldn't show his sadness. 

His family had accepted that mindset of him, but he still had to tell Shion. Knowing Shion and all the efforts he made to help Reito, it wouldn't be easy. He thought a lot about how to properly convey his complicated feelings without making Shion angry.  
As he saw his time getting shorter, he knew he had to act now or never.   
So one day, when Shion visited him in the morning, he asked him to spend the day with him.  
Shion said yes, and so, with Reito in his wheelchair, they went for a walk through the town, drank some coffee, ate cake, just had a good time in general. When evening had come and the sun started going down, Reito asked Shion to bring him to a specific place. It was the flower field behind the hospital. Since Reito had his camera with him, he instructed Shion to capture the scene in a photo. As the photo was gaining color, Reito spoke up.

"Shion, do you know why here? "  
Speaking was hard, but Reito tried his best in order to to convey his thoughts properly.  
"Because you find the scenary so beautiful? ", he answered.  
"And why a polaroid photo? ", Reito asked back.  
"Because you find it so beautiful, I guess. " Shion scratched his own head.  
Reito looked into the setting sun that dyed the sky in a warm orange. "The moment, Shion, the moment. Cherish and accept it. "  
"Cherish.... and accept... it? ", Shion repeated, now confused. "You mean I should cherish and accept the moment? "  
Reito nodded. After a few seconds of silence he added "You do so much. But you have no reason. ".  
"I have a reason! ", Shion countered. "A very strong one. You know, I've been meaning to tell you forever, but- "  
Reito interrupted him.

"I know. I know that you love me. "

Shion looked down. After all he couldn't hide his feelings. No matter how much he tries to. It always ends like this.  
"Then you surely understand... ", he said, still looking down at the blooming flowers. It was spring, start and end of everything.  
Reito looked to him. "I understand, but... "   
"You don't feel the same way? "  
The younger one sighed. A moment of meaningful silence passed.  
"I do, " Shion immedatly turned away from the flower to face Reito, with hope blooming in his chest.   
"but after all, I'm a burden to you, aren't I? "

The sad words immedatly crushed the naive hope Shion had. He wanted to tell his love that he wasn't a burden, that he'll stay by his side no matter what, but something was holding him back. Something that he couldn't pinpoint, but that had a strong influence.  
"I know you very well Shion, after ten years. You are kind, supportive and always give your best. "  
Shion just nodded at each of the describtions, not knowing what will follow.

"You don't- "   
Reito had to hold back his tears, which made his already unstable voice even more shaky.  
"You don't deserve someone like me. "

This made Shion not just sad, but angry. Still, he couldn't say anything. He felt paralysed. It was so much at once.

"You are surely angry, " Reito continued. "But you deserve someone who you can spend the rest of your life with. Not a dying person like me who just burdens you with unnecessecary worries. "

Now Shion had to hold back his tears too.  
While Reito's were already flowing down his face.

"Go, live a better life. "

Reito was crying as he said this, and his voice was so shaky that it was barely understandable. But still, it cut a deep wound into Shion's chest. Some part of him had always known that it would end like this, but he didn't want to accept that. He didn't want to accept that the one person he loved so much will die. He wanted to be always at his side, forever. He wanted to safe him from his unfortunate fate. So badly, so badly.

Reito turned to look at Shion, who looked sad, angry and defeated at the same time. As if he could read his mind, Reito answered to what Shion was thinking.

"You don't need to safe me anymore. ", he whispered.  
It was a small whisper, almost not audible, but Shion heard it. And it caused so many emotions to overflow in him at once. Sadness, anger, destruction, madness, but he also felt kind of...... freed.   
For once, just once, he let everything be expressed. He had always hated himself for showing emotion so easily, so he always tried to surpress his feelings. But not today. Not in this moment. In this very moment, he just wanted to let his tears flow. And feel everything.

Reito smiled bitterly at him through his own sobs. "I'm sorry ", he whispered, as soft as he could, to calm Shion down. He didn't want him to cry, that's why he had wanted to make this as short as possible, but it had turned out like this. If he could pat his head, he would. If he could hug him, he would. He'd do everything, but he couldn't do anything.

Shion couldn't do much either, except crying. His emotions had him in chains. But was that a bad thing right now? At least they were his true feelings. His true, earnest feelings that had always resided inside him. That had pushed him to do things he wouldn't have dreamed of. He had tried to surpress them for so long, but right now... He remembered Reito mentioning that he felt the same way as him, but that he couldn't love him because of the way things are. And wasn't that the reason for everything?   
For all the frustration, for all the crying, for all the litres of tears. Just because he couldn't accept the undeniable truth that they could never spend their whole life together. That he had complained about it so much that he forgot to cherish the time they had left. And now it was almost over. It was so regrettable, so frustrating, so cruel.

But one thought fought its way through all that to the center of Shion's mind.  
"Make the best of the moment. You'll have no other moment like this. "

"Now or never "

He repeated the words loudly, gaining Reito's attention.  
"I've realised it now, thanks to your words... I was really such an idiot. I'm sorry. I can accept your descision now. ", he said and bowed down so he was on one level with Reito facewise.  
"Because of that, ", Shion continued with nervousity in his voice, "because this will be our last moment, I want to make it special. "  
Reito could sense his nervousity.

"Just for this one time, can we k- "  
"Yes. ", Reito blurted out and made Shion blush. 

A few seconds passed.  
"Come on now, what are you waiting for? ", Reito said seemingling insulted.  
"Uhm yeah, I was just- ah fuck it. "

And their lips met as the sun disappears below the horizion and twilight began. It was a rare, short-lived moment but it was for an eternity. So many feelings that were kept hidden for so many years poured out and melted together in these very few seconds.  
Both had wanted it to be eternal, but they both knew that they had to let go. At least after they had gone away from each other, they were smiling. Though both knew about the bitterness this moment held. But it had been so sweet that they had forgotten about it. Just.... for this moment.

.  
.  
.

A few days later, Reito had died. 

He hadn't been able to contain his pain anymore and left the world.   
His family and Shion all cried so much. Reito had always given them his best smile, despite the situation he was in. He had always cherished every moment he had left, and wrote them down in his diary. 

To commemorate his brave fight, his family decided to publish it as a book.  
It became a immediate success. As the people read through the pages, they felt every emotion Reito had felt, they saw and appreaciated the world through his simple pictures, and they were teached the importance of the moment, what Reito had realised after his own long fight. The beginning phrase, the very first thing Reito had written, became worldwide famous and inspired and helped many people with their own personal fights.

"After one litre of tears, I realised what's really important. "

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a comment or reach me on Twitter @/shoseilovemail


End file.
